Review: Wolfblood: Episodes 3, 4, 5 and especially 6.

So, Wolfblood. When we last checked in with the inhabitants of Stoneybridge, I gave a glowing review of the first two episodes, but pointed out several key areas for improvement, including the generic bullies, the underdeveloped secondary characters, and the underused locations.

Well, I’m over the moon to announce that episodes 3, 4 and 5, titled Family Ties, Cry Wolf and Occam’s Razor, do a bang- up job not only of fixing those problems, but of improving on the show’s existing strengths almost to perfection. Family Ties in particular has a massive amount of character development not only for Tom, but also for school bully Jimmy. Cry Wolf and Occam’s Razor focus on the build- up to Maddy’s first transformation (quite a surprise after Young Dracula, where we had to wait until midway through season 2 before Ingrid first became a full vampire), expanding on the show’s mythos, and elevating former wild card Rhydian to the status of ‘the sensible one’ as Maddy becomes increasingly irrational and Shannon begins to suspect all is not as it seems.

Also, the teacher has gone from being a total tyrant in the first two episodes, to being the reasonable voice of authority in later installments. I still don't trust him.

One question, though: Cry Wolf has the characters sitting their GCSE exams. Occam’s Razor, set just days afterwards, features everyone merrily going on a school trip to Lindisfarne. That’s… that’s not how school works these days, is it? And what subject is this school trip supposed to be? It’s implied to be History, but surely every single named character wouldn’t be doing History, would they?

Anyway, as I said, Occam’s Razor features a school trip to Lindisfarne, where Maddy transforms into a werewolf for the first time. The location filming is glorious in this episode, really making full use of the area. I just wish they could have started introducing the elements of spirituality and mysticism associated with that part of the country, but maybe that would have been just a little heavy-handed for a teen drama.

Kids' shows aren''t often big on scenery, which I think is a shame. Natural landscapes seem just the sort of thing to stimulate a a young mind- think of all the Christmassy things a child instantly associates with a snowy village green, for instance.

 

So, five episodes in, and it’s all looking very promising. Well, apart from the three random chav girls, who would normally just about be tolerable in a kind of failed comic relief type role. Sadly, for some bizarre reason, creator Debbie Moon has chosen to force them upon us every episode in a series of tiresome and unnecessary C-Plots, or even B-Plots, in which we listen to the whining of a trio of clichéd bullies who have already been deliberately established as having the emotional and intellectual maturity of a wet kitten. We are supposed to be enthralled by such epic storylines as: The blonde one has to buy her mum a new jacket! (Family Ties) Or: The brunette one is scared she might be starting to enjoy science lessons! (Cry Wolf) All the while we’re glued to our seats by these oh-so-relevant scenes, we’ve got to listen to the squawking of these three harpies as they go on and on about how much they fancy Rhydian, because this is much more interesting than how the actual main characters feel about each other. I mean, how and why do you reach the situation where you’ve got one random stereotype in a show otherwise populated by incredibly well-rounded characters? It’s like having Mr Humphries show up in Only Fools and Horses.

Henceforth referred to as 'brunette chav,' 'black chav,' and 'blonde chav' respectively. Hey, it's not as if the show itself gives them names- even the other characters refer to them as 'The three Ks.' This is offensive on so many levels, primarily on grounds of sexism, classism, and not being able to tell a story competently.

But, apart from the production team’s seemingly deliberate attempt to viciously insult the female teen audience, I was well pleased with Wolfblood by the end of Occams Razor.

And then Maddy Cool happened.

Maddy Cool is the sixth episode, and, really, the title should tell you all you need to know. Every good series has its bad episodes, I know that. But… this? This is not even recognisably the same show. The way the characters behave, and the things they do, it’s… well, how do I describe it? It’s like if suddenly the entire cast started acting like the three chav girls. In some cases, literally. Indeed, Rhydian is pretty much the only character to escape with his dignity intact, which is rich, seeing as in the first two or three episodes, he was the wild and crazy one that everyone else had to rein in.

Right. First off, the plot. Oh, yes, there is a plot. And what a plot it is! Following on from her first transformation in the previous episode, Maddy is now… really jumpy and energetic. Okay, I’ll buy it. The episode begins in assembly, where the entire school is apparently watching a street dance group, led by the brunette chav, perform. Okay, then. Maddy then decides that the best way to blow off steam is to run up onto the stage, shove brunette chav-girl out of the way, and start improvising the dance routine herself. Yes. She actually does this.

Sadly, the entire plot of the episode hinges on this not being the most embarrassing thing in the history of human life. It's like the writers never even went to school.

…Oh, I’m having terrible Waterloo Road flashbacks.

Anyway, because this is the school that organised a trip to Lindisfarne the week after a GCSE exam, and therefore can’t be expected to bear any resemblance to real life, getting up on stage in front of the whole school and acting like a moron immediately makes Maddy inexplicably popular. People start cheering her name, the school ‘hunk’ (he does nothing for me, I have to say) chats her up, and this all of course leads to her burying herself under a Top of the Pops studio-worth of make-up and becoming… this.

This is all set to horrible, auto-tuned pop music. Forget attracting the Twilight audience, we're going for the Hannah Montana crowd!

Nope, no idea. Whose idea was this? Who thought that the best way to show Maddy getting in touch with her animal side and connecting with nature was to show her becoming a materialistic attention whore? Oh, but it’s not enough to merely look like the sort of idiot that would have been laughed out of the building at my school. She has to act like a total bitch as well, refusing to go to detentions, using her powers to listen in on people’s secrets and then tell the whole school. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, and because she’s now dressing like… whatever the hell she’s supposed to be dressing like (something non-child friendly, no doubt, but it’s too poorly realised to even be offensive), Tom and (possibly) Rhydian now fancy her.

Okay, why? Why does the transformation temporarily rewrite her entire personality and make her despise her best friends? And, without wanting to be too mean, who in God's name actually finds this attractive?

Don’t you just love our heroes? Our primary protagonist changes her entire way of life on a whim in the hope that it will get her more friends, while our male identification figures are simpletons who, at the first whiff of eyeshadow, are suddenly madly in lust with their best friend. Let’s hope Shannon can restore some sanity to proceedings.

Oh, no, sadly not, because we’re now deep into the ‘Shannon believes Maddy is the monster of Stoneybridge moor’ subplot. This is fast becoming a subplot in which, despite Shannon very obviously being in the right, the series makes her out to be a moody, obsessive, borderline deranged nutjob. Yep, the identification figure for the geeks and social outcasts that usually form CBBC’s core audience is being made out to be a complete headcase. However, this ongoing arc decides to take a quick break from being offensive in the name of being totally insane. Here, we are treated to a scene in which Shannon resolves to find out exactly what Maddy is. We then cut to Shannon chancing across a page on ‘werewolves’ on a poorly veiled expy of Wikipedia, and sitting back with a startled look on her face.

"Rererolf?! Ruh-roh!"

Okay, wait. Is this episode trying to tell us that, despite everything we’ve seen over the past two episodes, it has never once occurred to Shannon that Maddy might be… a werewolf? She believes (correctly) that Maddy is a creature who can transform into a wolf. She believes (correctly) that she transforms at the full moon. And yet… the word ‘werewolf’ never once popped into her head? Well, of course it didn’t, seeing as the writers are trying at all costs to avoid using that particular word. Indeed, Shannon has been doggedly referring throughout to ‘the beast on the moors,’ rather than any specific creature. Yeah, remember the beast on the moors, revealed in episode two to be a rogue Wolfblood? Good, because the writers sure as heck haven’t. Erm… so, are we ever going to find out who it was? Are they ever going to be brought to justice? No? …Okay, then.
Anyway, so we’ve got the three chav girls trying to organise a birthday party, Maddy acting like a whining, poorly acted bitch, Rhydian trying to bring her back to the light side of the Force (or something), Shannon obsessing over proving that Maddy is evil (the evidence is currently swinging heavily in her favour), while Tom starts panic eating through the stress of his random lust for Maddy. And hey, I can totally get behind the whole stress eating thing. That strikes a particularly relevant chord with me. I’m just saying that if that was such an integral part of Tom’s character, it sure would have made sense to see it manifest back in Family Ties. You know, when Tom’s baby half-sister was in hospital, his relationship with his father was at an all- time low, and he was under suspicion of vandalism? I have a worryingly strong hunch that all that would be a hell of a lot more stressful than wondering how to ask out your best friend.

"She doesn't even know I exist!" Dude, she's been your best friend for years! Christ, this episode sucks.

So, all this nonsense finally culminates at the chav party, which has to rate as one of the most awkwardly realised teen house parties on national television. For a start, there’s no alcohol anywhere. Nor, for that matter, is it ever explained why all the adults have disappeared. The chavs invite Maddy, then tell her the wrong location, so that she turns up at the village hall to find an utter absence of party. This happened to me once, true story. However, I didn’t much care, because I’m not some emotionally needy fool who depends on the admiration of people I hardly know. Maddy, on the other hand, sets off for the real party, out for revenge, and still looking like a total wally.

Shannon and Tom, determined to find out if Maddy is a werewolf and if Maddy has the hots for Rhydian respectively, set out for the party. Oh, and for absolutely no reason, Shannon gets herself dolled up in a nice dress and make- up, which makes Tom look… admiringly at her, too. My Shallow-ometer just went through the roof. As did my alarm that detects when we’re getting disturbingly close to sexualising these child characters. Still, as long as we don’t have two promiscuously dressed female minors about to have a catfight with each other, we should be fine.

Oh wait, that’s the next scene.

So, Maddy and the black chav (and yes, I had to go back to iPlayer to remind myself which chav’s birthday it was) square off against each other, and…

Dance!

All Rhydian and Shannon get to do in this scene is stand in the background and look disgusted. An easy day's work for the actors, then.

Of course! What else? So, Maddy does a few body- popping moves, and the black chav street dances for a bit, and what the hell am I even doing here anymore? Finally, Maddy throws a cake in the blac chav’s face, and she runs upstairs, crying. While all this is going on, Tom overhears two girls talking about how fit he is. As you do.

So, you might expect, this would be the logical end to the various subplots. Maddy realises her behaviour is out of control, while Tom realises that all his angsting about girls was for nothing, and everything can go back to normal. Nope. Instead, Tom gets even more depressed about how ‘weird’ girls are, steals a box of chocolates, and resumes his stress-eating ways, while Maddy has a heart-to-heart with the black chav, which is so incredibly poorly written that there’s no actual point at which Maddy realises what an awful person she’s been all episode. Instead, she just reverts to her usual persona because there’s only about two minutes of programme left. Thank God.
So, Tom vomits into a bin, which is a pretty apt way to end his subplot, Maddy stands up for the rest of the gang, announcing “they might be freaks, but they’re my freaks.” Yeah, and with that charming sentence, I think you may have lost your only chance at getting them back. But no, because this is television, everyone is friends again, Shannon still has no proof that Maddy is a –whisper it- werewolf, and Rhydian, who has been forced to follow Maddy around all episode apologising for her, is left to dream of much, much better episodes than this.

...And everyone's friends again! Don't bother to question it, it just kind of happens.

We’re now reaching the halfway point in the series, so pretty soon we should start building towards some kind of climax. Please, please let it actually be about the characters. No more subplots with the three chavs. No more twisting Shannon and Tom to make them randomly antagonistic, especially as Maddy is so unlikeable. And please, no more attempts to tap into current teen culture. That goes out to all children’s shows, because you all suck at it. Is that too much ask?